How I Remember You, Regardless
I remember you wearing blue – darkt blue,
like a shadow of a clear day.
And that color makes your eyes deeper too.
It’s warm and there’s a breeze that flutters
the skirt or sleeve of what you’re wearing.
And your hair is down.
It’s chestnut or auburn (I never know
what to call that color). Sometimes you
pulled it back in a ponytail, and I liked it when
you wore a baseball cap
and just tucked it behind your ears.
But I like it best when it’s down and
the breeze makes you rake it back
with your nails. As you do you lift your chin
and close your eyes, turning your face into
the breeze. And then you turn again
and your hair flutters and dances
and you rake it back again – I like that.
Your skin is tan like girls used to
like their skin before they didn’t.
And it sounds silly to hear myself
say it, but you were tall. That’s not something
anyone could change.
And you’re smiling; you always smiled.
You weren’t always like this, I know. And
you haven’t looked like this for a long,
long time. It might seem shallow to think
of you this way, regardless. You changed,
and I changed too, I admit. I probably
never said ‘Why don’t you look like
that anymore’ but you probably knew
I thought it. You didn’t say anything
to me, but I never thought you regretted
how I’d changed. That probably wasn’t
fair of me. I’m sorry about that.
I’m not being shallow, I promise. It’s not
just that you looked that way. It’s the way
I feel when I remember you looking that way.
I’m happy and content. And so are you.
There’s no rush about anything.
We’re not going anywhere, but
we’re walking. Sometimes we tweak one
another and laugh and giggle and run playfully
but not from one another. We always
caught each other, didn’t we!
I can breathe and run and laugh. And
so can you. And we do.
We probably didn’t have any money
except what was in our pockets. And that’s fine.
It doesn’t matter; nothing else matters.
Too much matters too much now,
doesn’t it? No matter how we tried things
kept becoming more important – not just the
good things and great things we had, but
little things that seemed to matter
and they didn’t. I don’t like those things now;
I probably hate them. You never did;
you never hated anything.
I remember trying hard, and you trying hard,
but we didn’t succeed, did we. We didn’t
give up. We didn’t win, but we didn’t give up.
A lot of our friends gave up and I
wanted to, often, but you didn’t.
You never gave up. You never gave up on us.
You were never weak about those things.